Posted June 7, 2005 @ 5:02pm | by S. Cutshall

I feel like I'm at a crossroad.  I am mostly dissatisfied, displeased and unhappy (even though I've become awfully goddamn adept at slapping a stupid smile on my face lately).

I need to change a lot of shit in my life.  A LOT.  I'm mostly clueless as to how or where to begin.

I'm tired... and especially tired of me.  I feel mostly uninspired and 100% uninspiring.  I am bored with Me. 

I need some BIG balls and mine are small.  I need gobs of courage and I have barely enough to type this.  I need help... and I don't know how or who to ask-and I don't trust getting any because I'll probably just fuck it up and disappoint me and/or the giver of the Help.

Mentally, I feel just completely exhausted and burnt out.  Popped, like a blown out light bulb.  Physically, much the same... and I hurt too.  My knees, my back, my hips... the list grows.

I have zero motivation and spend the better part of each day either trying to ignore the signs on the wall or digging deep within to keep some little bit-shard of optimism/positivity in my mind.

I don't know where to begin with getting fit... cart or horse first?  I really had shit on track last Fall with riding and then we stopped when the weather got really cold and my mojo just completely evaporated too.  I've ridden twice since then... 2 fucking times!  Unreal... but it's true.

I'm jive and a sham.  I subscribe to Lists, I love most everything about cycles and the culture of it... 99.9% of this blog is about cycles & cycling and I barely fucking ride one at all.  I'm a bullshit artist.  Nothing more, nothing less.

I'm 41, I'm overweight like a gigantor, I'm sedentary like a marble Buddha and I'm tired of it... lost because of it and absolutely clueless how to really impact a change on me.

I feel like I've spent my entire life helping others... first my mom and dad to not fight and get along (didn't really work but I at least felt like I was trying)... and then friends, others that I've taught as a musician... but I don't or can't seem to apply even the smallest bit of logic or common sense to me, in helping me.  All of which furthers the feeling of being Jive... if I could spoon out advice to try and help others, why can I not use any of it on myself??  Probably because it's bullshit I assume.

I feel like my life is the equivalent of finding out your swim coach can't swim... I'm the Wizard of Oz.

I gotta get on track and strong... I need to dig down.

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